W's resume

In response to my "Anybody but a republican avatar", Richard sent me this GWB resume which I though I would share.

Past work experience:
I ran for Congress and lost.
I produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company
went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

Biggest move:
Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
With my father's help and the name, was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments as Governor of Texas:
I changed pollution laws for oil and power companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the nation.
I replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in
America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government in billions of borrowed money.
I set a record for most executions by any governor in American history.
I became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of Republican appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments as president:
I attacked and took over two countries.
I spent the country's surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
I shattered the record for biggest annual deficit in history.
I set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
I set an all-time record for the biggest stock market drop in its history.
I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal record and in my first year in office set the all-time record for most vacation days taken by any president. After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips of any other
president in U.S. history.
In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
I cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president.
I set the all-time record for the most mortgage foreclosures in a
12-month period.
I set the record for the lowest number of press conferences than any
president since the invention of television.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. istory and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have done.
I cut healthcare benefits for war veterans and set the all-time record for the most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
I dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S.
history. (The 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her).
I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
I created the largest government bureaucracy in the history of the United States and set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in US history, while at the same time proposing tax cuts.
I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations
remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
I withdrew from the World Court of Law.
I hold the record for most corporate campaign donations. My biggest
lifetime campaign contributor, one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
I am the first president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
I am the first U.S. president to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
I set all-time records for the number of administration appointees who
violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations
bidding for government contracts.
I failed to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.
I failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
In a little over two years I created the most divided country in
decades.
I entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less
than two years every economic category plunged.

Records and References:
I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
I was AWOL from National Guard.
Records from my tenure as governor of Texas are in my father's library, unavailable for public view.
All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed and unavailable for public view.
All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed and unavailable for public view.
Any records or minutes my VP or I attended regarding public energy
policy are sealed and unavailable for public review

For personal references please speak to my father or uncle James Baker.

October 31, 2007 9:53 PM